Sometimes You Just Cun't Win

Bristol Palin or drag queen as Stevie Nicks?

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.....End times are obviously near. The proof? For only the third time in its dozen-year history, Dancing With The Stars (Or People You've Kind Of Heard Of, Or Maybe Their Relatives) was won by an actual star. Despite chronic injury pain, actress Jennifer Grey took on all comers.

.....Unfortunately for Grey, she may be all but forgotten because of the Whore of Wasilla. Yes, Bristol Palin's very presence on that ooh-look-something-shiny, C-list clusterfuck of a show was the ratings grabber, which now means that ABC will veer even farther from the path of actual 'stars'. Expect O.J. Simpson to faux-trot next year. Baby-Mama Grizzly (and her Mama Grisly) learned the hard way that her hellbilly voting bloc wasn't as large as she thought (or maybe they just don't know how to use those newfangled phones and 'puter boxes). Like her mama, she forgot that the election results had already proven that by numbers alone she remains an also-ran on her best day, despite pulling out all the sexuality on the dance floor that caused the pregnancy (or possibly pregnancies) that is the only reason we ever noticed her in the first place.

.....Bristol's big vocal moments on the show were very telling. Announcing that a win would be a "big middle finger" to Palin-haters showed that she knew how she got there, that "stardom" or anticipated dancing skill had nothing to do with it. If she didn't realize it at first, she now knows that she was the comic relief, the pudgy rodeo clown, the gotta-pee break reason, the thing to laugh at and dismiss for anyone who knows the difference between "there" and "their". And her final onscreen thoughts? "I've had the time of my life." I'm sure she had no idea she was spouting the name of the theme song from the film that made Jennifer Grey a household name. That alone was worth watching the season for.

.....Maybe Bristol will go back to Alaska and finally return to her true calling in life - poppin' out younguns. But I doubt it. Babe is now a pig in the city, and she's staying. Which will give America years more material to laugh at in the continuing saga of The Washington Hillbillies. Thanks, BP!

It's The Lower Ninth Ward, Only Higher

a New Orleans "Brad Pitt House"

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an Italian Brad Pitt house

......It's only fitting that since Brad Pitt had new homes in New Orleans designed, they are called "Brad Pitt Houses". It's also fitting because, like Pitt's own house, the roof is too steep to live on if the levees break again.

YOU get to worship me! YOU get to worship me! YOU get to...

.....Oprah Winfrey-King (although "King-Winfrey" probably sounds better to her, but she can't be having her name last, can she?) managed to out-Oprah herself on the opening show of her final season, giving her entire audience three weeks of airsickness and jet-lag... I mean, a trip to Australia! Guess it's easy to be magnanimous when every penny is paid by corporate sponsors, of which she has more than John McCain. (Which explains why her 'house' can hold all his mansions and still have room for an African girls' school in the rumpus room!) Personal quadrillions aside, I'm sure all of Harpo Productions' money is tied up in air-brushing O Magazine covers. Talk about job security!

.....As is the custom, the announcement was, shall we say, un-subtle, featuring John Travolta in a pilot's outfit (See? I told you they come in XXXXL!), the front of a plane rolling onto the stage, and The Big O (no, not Overstock.com) giving her traditional carnival-barker-with-Down-syndrome delivery as volume buttons were desperately pressed all over America. Even Gayle winced just a little before visions of her allowance being "forgotten" returned her to her rightful place at Oprah's feet (and, uh, elsewhere).

.....What will we do next year without this tender display of self-aggrandizement masquerading as giving a shit about others? Oh, Oprah, we'll miss you - that is until your re-runs show every day until the Apocalypse (indeed, they may cause it), you're a "special guest" on Gayle's O-financed radio show every ten minutes, or your upcoming television network blankets us forever in your comforting presence, even watching us through the little light on our DVRs 24/7 as Tyler Perry takes notes for you from his 12-closet cabana on Fire Island. Say it loud, she's God and she's proud! Hollaaaaaaa!

9/11: Bad News Or Just Bad Aim?

Here's a partial list:

• Wall Street

• Sarah Palin's House

• Fox "News" HQ

• Any of John McCain's mansions

• Simon Cowell

• Lady Gaga

• Any "reality show" skank

• South Carolina

• Bret Michaels

• Sharon Osbourne

• Any of Ellen Degeneres' mansions

• Crawford, Texas

• Whoever Brad Pitt had design those God-awful New Orleans Freakshow Houses

• Fred Phelps

• Ann Coulter

• Anyone who owns "truck nuts"

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If the 9/11 planes had hit any of these instead of the World Trade Center, Osama bin Laden would be an American hero. I'm just sayin'.

Because "Fashion" And "Fugly" Both Start With "F"!

Secret Of The Universe #142: If you want to tell people how to have style and fashion sense, you must have neither. Ever notice how what millions of women see as pretty is decided by the ugliest circus freaks on the planet? Something is extremely wrong when you feel comfortable taking the Cryptkeeper's word on what looks good. Would you let someone who can't cook for shit sell you recipes? Well okay then!

Hey, "Arizona" Has "A Nazi" In It!

.....So the state famous for the biggest hole ever (because Bristol Palin doesn't count!) now has one just as large in their logic. The good news is that illegal aliens are the new health care (this month). The bad news is they just made it even easier for the cops to spend most of their time at Dunkin' Donuts.

.....Under the much-ballyhooed-and-bemoaned new law, Arizona officers can basically pick whoever they think is "lookin' illegal" and ask for papers. (What, no number-tattoo on the wrist anymore?) This means that, instead of actually doing what they're supposed to do, like checking employers' records and DMV files and other things that real policemen do, they can have a quick point-and-arrest and then head back for another Stuffin' Muffin.

....So what about the non-Hispanic illegals? Will there be one or two token Armenians tased a month to fake the nation out? Or will the old AZ even bother to hide its total disrespect for the Constitution (that goddamned search-and-seizure shit!) and related things that are the very reasons they aren't still all Navajo?

.....The one joyously American thing about this is the fact that Arizona boycotts began immediately. In this age of thinking about something at 1 and having it worldwide by 2, entire conventions have been re-plotted nearly overnight just to avoid seeing those new license plates that will say, "The Dumbass State". That caring by actual humans is a rare point of light in the darkness that is our nation's current resolve to care about no one beyond the reach of one's arm.

......In the meantime, though , the state that gave us the Presidential candidate with the shortest arms in history forgets that the first Americans to land here weren't exactly legal aliens, were they? If Native Americans got a really good lawyer...

.....We are sooooo fucked.

E Pluribus Ad Infinitum? Oh HELL No!

And so it begins again. With the retirement of another Supreme Court justice ('bout time since he's 126 years old), the battle for the next Old Man To Tell Women What To Do With Their Vaginas is firing up (and, let's face it, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is an old man for all practical purposes). Of course, as with all presidents, President Obama's pushing for someone who sees it his way. Fortunately, in this case, his way is already the law.

The faux-religious right is all afoam - but enough about their bad hygiene. (Faux. You heard me. If you endorse war and scream at imaginary boogiemen like healthcare, you are not really religious. You're just an asshole.) They want the Court tipped to their way of thinking, just like the Left wants it their way. If enough Lobbyist-Owned Octogenarians With Tiny Penises get on the Court, Roe v. Wade will be overturned and women will realize that a plastic hanger just doesn't cut it. But put in some more Hip Grandpas Who Are Actually Aware Of What Year It Is and the law will stand, and women will still be easier to pound than a fresh chicken breast on Tenders Day.

Doesn't this concept invalidate the Supreme Court? The assertion that the Court can overturn its own rulings down the line makes it, well, useless, unless it's proven that times have changed. In this age of Britney's cooch passing for news, no one can say we're going backward to the Dark Ages. So why would the Supreme Court even re-open Roe v. Wade, or ANY major progressive decision for that matter? Wouldn't that mean that all laws have unlimited appeals? "We're taking this to the highest court, unless they don't find in our favor. Then we're having a do-over in 10 years." That's called an appeal, you crazy guys, and the Supreme Court was supposed to be the end of that road.

In the words of Willie Nelson, "Fuck y'all". If The SC revisiting laws every few years is the rule, that should mean that all inmates get a new trial next year, this time with a new judge and a different set of jurors since the last ones were obviously pricks.

And seeing as not one SC justice knows a hovercraft from a horseless carriage, should they really matter at all? At this point they represent no one but the Hillvale Nursing Home, albeit with a new Hispanic cleaning lady. I say close 'em down. Or put Paula Abdul in there so we at least find them amusing and retarded.

Now Is The Time For All Good Psychos To Come To The Aid Of Your Country

.....Tired of seeing the White House party crashers on every channel? Kate Gosselin leaning because her hair's unbalanced? A house full of 3rd-grade-educated pondscum on the Jersey Shore? Tiger Woods' mistresses getting paid for their "stories"? There's a simple solution.

.....Beat the fuck out of one of them.

.....All it would take is for some wackjob to blow a few of these no-talent, no-skill, please-daddy-look-at-me assholes away that are cluttering our television screens and what passes for what's left of our culture. Then maybe some trailer skank might not think it such a good thing to fellate her way to the small screen. At this point, it's the only way to stop the runaway train that is "reality" TV (a misnomer since most of it's either scripted or edited to suit the suits). Children (and child-minded adults) live what they learn. And what they learn nowadays is that all you have to do is have bigger fake boobs, or a balloon-boy or 8 kids to take advantage of, or just to be a total piece of crap (New York, anyone?) to reap fame and fortune without actually working for it.

.....So-called "reality" TV bullshit is so pervasive now that, as has been proven, people will break laws, hurt countless others, and who knows what else to be on the air. Ever since Amarosa made being a total cunt a marketing strategy, there have been no rules other than to do whatever it takes to get on the screen.

.....So how about we make some rules? Like the media not interviewing these circus freaks to see what makes them tick. We know what makes them tick.

.....They're whores.

.....Remember when MTV first took off, and the old folks said it would destroy America? Well, it definitely started the ball rolling, but not with music. It was called The Real World.