I've Got Your Peace Hangin'...

.....The so-called conservative right (which are usually neither; since when is lying, screaming and hatemongering conservative?) are raising their usual ruckus, which basically is their only reason to even live now. God knows they've done nothing constructive since "that you-know-what man" stole their White House. Actually helping fix things that eight years of their "rule" fucked up instead of standing in the way of repair at every turn is not in their vocabulary (note that most of them also cannot spell "vocabulary"). They look for Satan in everything Obama; be it his nerve at actually showing decent respect to a fellow world leader, his inability to solve problems overnight that took a decade to make, or even his daring to take a few hours off to have kids stargazing with him on the White House lawn (never mind that their man took pretty much more days off than on). That he should even want to talk to kids in school! Oh my God, get the gun! What a bunch of fucking lying whiners. It's like having your 120-year-old brain-dead grandpa living with you who thinks that it's 1930, only stupider. If they can't find something, as we all know, they just make it up. Big shock there. I guess since they can see the White House on TV, they are experts on government. Go Palin! Meanwhile, their "leaders" cash the daily kickback checks and laugh their asses off at the fact that they have all these illiterate a-holes believing that black is...OK, bad analogy.

.....So what's today's outrage? No new one available, so they check the misspelled minutes from their last meeting and come back to Mr. O collecting the Nobel Peace Prize today. Facebook was all a-twitter (clever, eh?) with the underschooled sheep bleating that he didn't deserve it. "Let's impeach him!" shouted one, obviously having no clue as to what 'impeachment' means other than 'kill the black guy'. I assume they have a bunch of catch-phrases in a bag and pull one out when it's time to fit in. Almost every utterance can be translated very simply: "Waaaaah, we lost! Waaaaahhhhh!"

.....While the useless Repugnican pawns paint their truck nuts to match their school colors and are distracted by lights over Norway, let's examine the reasons that President Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize.

1.) He hasn't been responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent people like the previous president. Ol' Dumbass took troops out of Afghanistan, where we really had a reason to be, to tear up Iraq because some guy pissed his daddy off, which means that he is also the reason we're not done in Afghanistan yet, something the Wrong of course blame President Obama for in their infinite lack of wisdom. In the process, the comedy torture team of W. and Dick (Dick, by the way, was the real president) are directly responsible for every death there, be it over 4000 US sons and daughters or over 100,000 Iraquis, mostly innocents, about half of them women and children. They made Abu Ghraib and child rape by idiot soldiers who can barely count to 10 possible. They are also responsible for most Afghanistan deaths in the last few years because they took their own precious troops' support away. For as much as the Wrong say they love the troops, they sure don't mind gettin' them killed for nothin'. Meanwhile, Osama could be in Rio by now. Or Texas: his family was best friends with the Bushes, you know.

2) He knows his way around diplomacy. His predecessor couldn't find his way out of a press conference on the first try. Yet he has restored a modicum of respect to our country at a point when it wasn't going to be a question of when we were next attacked, but by whom. Everyone hated us. He has done this miracle of restoration by doing silly things like talking to leaders before the option of killing their kids comes up. By not assuming that everyone who doesn't share the same worldview must be hanged. By choosing reason over threats. By not, in other words, being a stupid asshole.

3) He's shown that he can stand ground in tenous circumstances. Confronted with dissent, Bush either had Cheney say "go fuck yourself" or slink away for another vacation month. Protesting Bush was fine, you just couldn't do it within a mile or two of where he might actually see it. Hey, it might push him back into drinking or drugs! Or even worse, he had no answers unless they were fed to him. By repeating the same lies and phrases over and over on every TV show possible, the Repugnican bigwigs had no problem brainwashing their stupidest constituents, including the president.

4) The Nobel committee are so relieved that the idiot, world-killing Repugnicans are no longer in power that they would have given it to whatever Democrat won. Because anything is more peaceful than what we got in the last administration. Had Lady Fucking Gaga won the presidency, she'd have gotten the prize just for not being W. (Wow. I just creeped myself out.)

.... And finally, there's what Obama is going through right here at home, as the people he's trying to help are bullshitted by their own leaders into believing that good is bad. Imagine that someone comes, takes your house, throws you on the street, destroys your home, your car, your friends, your town, for 8 years. Then you get to try to build it all back but are only thrown the occasional toothpick to build it all out of. Then picture a couple hundred people (sourgrapes Senate/House) standing in front of you blocking your building efforts, all the while whining because you're not working fast enough. Then picture over 34.000 people (yes, there are that many lobbyists in Washington) right behind them paying, threatening and bribing the hundreds to make sure they continue to block, deface and destroy every effort you make to rebuild. In essence, the president has gotten the Nobel Peace Price because he didn't blow them all away with a shotgun and start from scratch. Most so-called Americans would go at least that batshit if someone even scratched their trailer.

.....I won't go as far as Florida legislator Alan Grayson and tell the idiot, hatemongering scumbags that call themselves religious and right to shut the fuck up. I will tell them, however, that the people who are not fooled by them don't give a fuck what they think. The truth wins. And so did President Obama. That's what they can't stand.

And Now, The News From Billy-Bob and Tammy Sue!

.....You have a 24-hour news network. You don't have 24 hours worth of news that you care to report, or budget cuts have your reporters spread thin. Whaddaya do?

.....In the case of CNN, it's let everyone in the country be reporters! It seems every time I check the news now, they're reading e-mails or taking calls from ignorant billhillies who have free time between UFO abductions to give us their special (and by special I mean "Special Education Class") spin on the issues of the day.

.....I admit it can be funny when the host realizes that the caller won't stop talking now that they've finally made it onto the TV. The host does that internal eye-rolling as they cut the caller off in the middle of the third paragraph. You know that they're dying to say, "OK, Clem, we get it! Shut the fuck up!"

.....Remember the good old days, when reporters had to know something about journalism, and impartiality, and sentence structure? Someone tell the Cable Numbnuts Network that we don't care what Gertrude in Hog's Ass, Kentucky thinks about President Obama's policies. Let's face it, we gave up on Fox long ago, but CNN used to actually be a news station. And to the newsreaders...we don't care for your opinion either. Just read the fucking teleprompter.

Glad You Like The School, Because We're Sending You Back There

.....This picture was taken in a Florida parking lot. The truck promotes the University of Florida Gators football team with pride. The tag line at the bottom of the rear windshield says "IF YOUR NOT A GATOR........YOUR GATOR BAIT!"

.....Unfortunately, whoever did the sign needs to go back to the alma mater and try again. The word your, in both cases, should be you're. A quick primer:

1) Write your sentence with "your" in it.

2) Read your sentence out loud, but instead of "your", say "you are".

3) If it still sounds right....it should be "you're".

.....I'm for school spirit as much as the next guy, but if you're going to promote a school, the school would probably appreciate it if it looked like you'd been to one. I doubt UF would be proud of passing this kid.

.....Let me guess...fraternity?

Oh, Bob, We Knew You Too Well

.....This is a little late, but wanted to celebrate the death of Robert Novak, the latest American traitor to get away scott-free after outing CIA agent Valerie Plame, as any good butt-boy of Dick Cheney would. I'd like to think maybe America is a little bit safer now, but unfortunately every time a Robert Novak dies four more shoot out of Cheney's ass. He went down fighting, mowing down a homeless man with his car in a hit-and-run a year before finally going to the Big Underground.

And Then They All Died Of Karma

.....The recent rash of screaming protesters at town hall meetings mounted to attempt to put out a little truth amongst all the willful misinformation (OK, fucking lies) being spread about health care reform are pretty identical to the "he's a A-rab!" bullshit that flew like hillbillies to their sisters' beds during the latest presidential election. Signs like the above and the mindless shouts that surround them come from people who fall into one or more of four categories. They are as follows:

.....1) Paid For. These are people getting checks directly from the healthcare, insurance and pharmaceutical industries, or from the Republican Party itself through one of its quasi-religious offshoots, to attend and disrupt anything that might actually inform the public correctly about proposed healthcare reform. Of course the healthcare and insurance folks don't want reform...if they have reasonable competition they may not be able to charge you $150 for a Band-Aid on your hospital bill someday. And, let's face it, there's not a Republican in Congress who wouldn't filibuster the cure for breast cancer if it is discovered by a Democrat.

.....2) Gullible. These are knee-jerk idiots that believe anything they hear three times. Weapons of mass destruction. Death panels. Not a U.S. citizen. Mission accomplished. No new taxes! These are people who are against "socialized medicine", but would really freak out if socialized medicine didn't exist in America. It's called Medicare, and Medicaid, and the Veteran's Administration. Don't want those either? Dumbass. (See #3 below.) These are also the folks that have been convinced that taxes are unneccesary, that all those things like schools and fire departments are paid for by some God Fairy, and that even though programs cost 10 times what they did 5 years ago, they should be funded the same. Jeezus.

.....3) Stupid. Unfortunately, most Americans now fall into this category. Lack of education, lack of parenting, lack of the intelligence it takes not to believe that every problem you have has to be someone else's fault. These are the people who really, truly believe that black is white. If it weren't for stupid people, the Republican party would have folded decades ago. As long as the sheep are there, the shepherds will fleece them. Then someday, as they lie freezing to death, they'll wonder where the fuck their wool went. Or maybe they're just on the wrong calendar year. The closest to Nazis we've seen in America left Washington before this new guy came in.

.....4) Lost. They took a wrong turn on the way to their KKK rally and don't even know they're at a town hall meeting. OK, so that also falls under "stupid". So sue me.

He Touched So Many Lives...

And by "lives", I mean "kids". Seeya, Michael (that's Miss Jackson if you're nasty).

Finally, A CD Sticker For The New Millennium

.....With all the hubbub about whether or not an artist can sing live (Ashlee Simpson, anyone? Uh, no thanks...), I think it's time for truth in advertising. Concerts by the likes of Britney Spears should by law have to have on their advertising, "some vocals pre-recorded". By the same token, CDs and concerts by any artist using Auto-Tune should be noted as such with a big ol' sticker (that's in bold type because it's the real star of those performances). The recent "performance" of flavor-of-the-15-minutes Lady Gaga on ABC's "Dancing With The Stars" was a case in point, obviously either lip-synched (don't think so tho) or Auto-Tuned to a fare-thee-well (definitely).
.....Granted, lots of Americans are reeeealllly stupid (what else would explain 8 years of George Cokehead in the White House?), so let's spell it out for them, eh?

Ask About Our 2-For-1 NRA Special!

...In Casselberry, Florida (ah, Florida), at the Shoot Straight Gun Range, Marie Moore shot her 20-year-old son Mitchell in the back of the head this week as he began his target practice, then killed herself while the armed fat guy in the next booth watched in shock (work on those reflexes, Cletus).

...After the fact, tapes were found in which Marie detailed how she was the Antichrist and that she had to go to Hell, but she couldn't bear to kill herself and leave Mitchell behind. Such love! She left no explanation as to why she felt it was OK to leave her other son alive to suffer the loss of his brother and the stigma of being that crazy bitch's son. I'm assuming she thought he was a real dick.

Mitchell's friends reacted lovingly by having his name tattooed in memoriam on their shoulders, using money that would have been better spent on gasoline to burn down the fucking shooting range that let Marie shoot in the first place (one story says she had been banned there once before for "acting strange", but, hey, isn't that what shooting ranges are for?).

...I'm assuming the NRA is happy now. Look on the bright side, people...two more gun-toting idiots are dead. Wonder if Pa will be getting rid of his peashooters?

...I think not. We're talking Florida, after all, which could change its nickname to "The Duh State" at any moment.

Shuttin' Dumbass Down

....The proposed home of "Mr. Average American" John Rich

.....Ah, patriotism. Flag-waving is as old as, well, the flag. But with today's if-you-don't-hate-Mohammed-you're-a-traitor mentality among small-minded America amping up like Skynyrd at the tractor-pull halftime show, the timing was right for another Toby Keith wannabe to milk the unwashed and untoothed masses for every buck that they don't spend on their trucks.

.....Enter John Rich.

.....Half of the glam-country duo Big and Rich, famous for both homophobia and a song called "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy"(a phrase that's been heard in many a gay bar...go figure!), Rich reacted to his partner's one-year sidelining from an auto accident neck injury the way any best friend would do - he made a solo album. Friendship is one thing, but don't be interrupting the cash flow, motherfucker.

.....His latest salvo from said album is "Shuttin' Detroit Down", tapping the lowest common denominator (whose minions probably don't know what "denominator" means) in his lament about those Wall Street revenuers that are taking those huge bonuses while Mr. Country America has to pay. (What, they have to give up giant tires?) It has its "countryisms", also known as "butchering the language". The, ahem, richest phrase in the song is "that New York City town". Not too redundant. Yee-haw! Mr. Rich is now hitting the TV (not literally) on the likes of Good Morning America and Late Night With Jimmy Fallon flogging the thing to death, complete with a dedication to hard-working Americans at the beginning and a hearty "God Bless America" at the end. (This coming from the man who recently rationalized drinking by saying, "I think we all know Jesus didn’t turn the water into Dr Pepper". Nice.)

.....The Detroit he refers to, of course, is the one where the auto industry has been based here since it began. You know, the people that made worse cars to use more gas for more money, then got the unions to price themselves out of the market and now wonder what went wrong.

.....Never mind that Rich is also known for proposing the monstrosity of a cornpone castle known as "Villa Rich" (pictured above), which made his neighbors see him as the local fat-cat, with more fat than class. Do his fans know he isn't exactly a skinny-cat himself? The irony is insane. It would behoove a good investigative reporter, one of those who keep announcing how much every business executive in this county makes nowadays, to look into Rich's bankbook and show those whose IQs are lower than the number on their favorite NASCAR horseless carriage just who's calling the kettle black.

.....Get to it, America. Let's find out which country his bus and car and instruments come from. Ch-ching!

Mixed Messages: As American As Teriyaki Pie

OK, it was cute for awhile. Then it was annoying. Now it's just stupid.

....Just so ya know... it kind of defeats the purpose to fly your American flag from the window of your Japanese car. Christ.

United States of Mastercard!

.....Ya know how, out of the blue, with about two days' notice, credit card companies can up your APR for no reason?

....Well, now, last month Congress passed legislation that will keep them from doing that. But, uh, the law won't take effect for a couple of years. What the f#ck? If credit-card companies can make major changes in your life in 1/100th of the time that Congress can, maybe the credit-card companies should run the country!

....Oh, wait. They already do.