If Only They Had Been Size Fourteen

.....So the Iraqi journalist who threw his size-10 shoes at President Duhbya and managed only a close miss may end up getting 7 years for "assaulting a President". That's more than some murderers here serve. Ol' Prezzie says he's satisfied with that. Welcome to democracy! Maybe in the spirit of Bushness, Iraq's president will pardon him on his last day in office.

.....Who knew that Mr. Kill 'Em All would turn out to be President Pussy?

.....Oh, wait. That would be everybody. After all, the two kind of go hand in hand. George has been playing "Please look at me, Daddy!" forever. And what makes a man stand out like war atrocity? God knows the cocaine wasn't enough.

.....Wonder what the Iraqi sentence is for being responsible for the deaths of over 100,000 people? I'm just asking...

Giving Props, and Battling Them

.....Proposition 8 in California. Amendment 2 in Florida. Et cetera. Et cetera. Why is equality so hard?

.....Because it's not enough for the revolution to start. It has to finish. The government, and the churches, and your neighbors, need to be told, over and over and over, that discrimination is illegal, especially if it's based on religion. Instant unconstitutionality. And if you can change the very basics of our constitution, does it really mean anything anyway? Can you really write "they have no rights" on a document that came from the men who wrote "all men are created equal" and not expect to eventually get your ass kicked?

.....You don't see them amending the Bible every few years so their favorite sins can find a loophole. Why not? Because if they really believed the Bible it would matter more to them. If they really believed marriage was sacred, divorce would be illegal. If they really believed what Jesus said, they'd be giving money away instead of finding new ways to steal it, because it's easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than to enter the kingdom of Heaven. That wasn't an op-ed piece in the New York Times. That came from Jesus directly, if you believe in the Bible at all. The one they're supposed to worship, ya know? Bullshit. They're not Christians, stop treating them like they are. They're opportunists, trying to compensate for their lack of a life by controlling someone else's. They're Nero, fiddling while Rome burns. They are spiritual terrorists.

.....And speaking of opportunists, how about jumping on your so-called advocates who have strangely stopped squawking for the most part and done their best to blend in? Ellen DeGeneres was plenty vocal until she got her own talk show and a gazillion dollars. How many mansions, Ms. D? Not as many as John McCain, mind you, but she's getting there. We call it the Rosie O'Donnell syndrome. We'll make you famous if you shut up. There. Done. And if you start talking again, we'll cancel you. Hence Ellen's reduced activism-to-dancing ratio. If Jesus does come back he'll have a few words to say to Ellen about selling out. And if Matthew Shepard ever comes back, he'll really fuck her up.

.....Our new President-Elect, you know, the one who's supposed to save America? I voted for him, but he doesn't exactly inspire confidence in the revolution. He says we're not "red states" and "blue states" but United States! Yeah! And, uh, then he says gay marriage, a right for gay Americans in all those United States, should be decided on a state-by-state basis? What happened to that "united" part? Is this Don't Ask, Don't Wed? Demand more.

.....Wanna get equal rights quickly? Let's play their way. Let's cut out pictures of gay porn and mail them to your neighbors weekly until they let us alone. Let's look in their windows, film them and post it on YouTube. If my sex life is their business...theirs is mine. And let's keep a running total of all their sins, so when they get righteous on our asses we can go ballistic on theirs.

.....So, all you pissed-off gays out there, keep the revolution going. Skip a party and go to a rally. Put the drink down and pick up a sign. If you really, really want equal rights, you can't just get ticked off for a few weeks when the assholes that think they control the world tell you you don't matter, and then go back to partying like nothing happened. As RuPaul says, "you better work". And don't stop until you're done.

.....If you voted against Prop 8 or Amendment 2, you're not done.

Enough Already

Election day is a week away.

Remember:

It is not enough to prefer a candidate.

It is not enough to research and find out exactly where both sides stand.

It is not enough to enunciate, pontificate, blog, snog, receive, or believe.

It is not enough to work the phones. To work the roads. To work the nerves of those who think they've already heard it.

It is not enough to catch the lies as they tumble from the opposition's mouth and replace them with the truth to all that you can reach.

It is not enough to laugh when a latenight talk-show host ridicules the opposition. If your candidate wins, they will ridicule them too. It's part of the job.

It is not enough to wear a pin, button, or car magnet. If that were the case, our troops would be home, breast cancer would be cured, and equality would be unequivocable by now.

It is not enough to have faith, hope, love, or charity toward those whom you feel your candidate will help.

It is not enough to support a candidate..... unless you get off your ass, make it to the polls, and vote for them.

In these dark times, even that may not be enough. But at least you'll know you did what you could.

The Confederacy: It's Not Just For Black People Anymore

.....You know how you can go right past something for years and one day you just notice it? You can think God points you to it, or that it was hidden in your subconscious waiting to show itself, or that you have reached a state of enlightenment, or something? Huh? Huh?

.....Well, it happened this week. I'm driving the short cut to the local grocery store for my weekly giant Mr. Goodbar (the candy, not the sexual innuendo). I pass the local most-likely-to-be-a-future-cult-compound house. The one with the newly redone wooden fence with a sign on it that says, "Don't touch the fence" right beside the "No Trespassing" sign. The truck is in the driveway, complete with NRA sticker and plastic bull testicles hanging under the license plate. You know, the ones that put the trash in "white trash". Confederate flag raised high, the only thing seen from behind that fence (mercifully I'm sure).

.....And then it hit me. The past connected with the present and it all became clear.

.....The Confederate flag has been a lightning rod for controversy for decades, supposedly because it represented those that supported slavery of African-Americans. But it had always grated on me, a white middle-aged guy, for some other reason as well, one that I couldn't quite put my finger on. But, thanks to John McCrochety and Sarah Playalong, I finally get it. Thanks to a word they seem to say, or dance around, or insinuate, every 3.5 days.

.....The Confederacy was a terrorist organization. One that did far more damage to both the landscape and the American way than Bill Ayers. More than Todd Palin's play-secessionism. More than 9/11.

.....So someone ask McMidgetArms how quickly he'd outlaw the Confederate terrorist flag if he got elected President. And if he wavers, ship him straight to Guantanamo.

Joe the Radical Muslim Plumber

.....Joe the Plumber. We now know more about him than we know about Sarah Palin. He's done more interviews than her. Had more screen time than her. Been mentioned more by John McCain than she has.

.....And thanks to that goddamned gotcha media, we also now know that he's not a licensed plumber (i.e. he's illegal). He says he doesn't need to be licensed if his boss is. That's not true. He also says he wants to buy the business. Can't do it if he's not licensed. OK, he can, but he can't work there.

.....We also now know that he has a lien against his property because he's delinquent on back taxes. No wonder he's so worried about the possibility of new taxes- he can't handle the ones he's got. Maybe he spent the money on head wax.

.....Samuel Joseph "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher (who McCain incorrectly called "Wurzelberger" when he propped him up as a symbol for the entire fucking country) is a criminal. His name is even misspelled in the voting rolls, with an "o" instead of a "u", which by Republican standards means even his vote would be illegal.

.....John McCain repeatedly said at the last debate that Joe the Plumber was his "good friend".

.....John McCain pals around with terrorists.

Johnston/Palin Baby Name Narrowed

Top Ten Possible Names for Levi "Fu**kin' Redneck" Johnston and Bristol "No, Really, This Is My Only Kid" Palin's Shotgun Baby (we'll keep you posted):

Stunt

Partisan

Trap

Snuff

Oops

Puck (if it's a girl)

Exxon

Dammit

Albatross

Doomed

No, Really, This Next One Counts

I admit it... I hope to wake up and find out the vice-president thing was all a dream.

On the Republican side, I think John McCain's choosing of Sarah Palin as running-mate was not only very vindictive and 1st-grade (look at me, look at me!), but a major insult to women. If McCain has an IQ of more than 4, he knows that the local dogcatcher would have been more qualified to be vice-president of our country than Miss Moosejaw 2008. This means he is counting on women who supported Hillary to vote for him now just because a woman is on the ticket, even though she is against everything Hillary stood for. This, my friends, means John McCain thinks women are stupid as fuck. If Eva Braun were still alive, she'd be his running mate.

The jury is out on that where I'm concerned. I used to not think that at all, until I saw the women John McCain is counting on- the "since my gal didn't get in his gal will" idiots who were all over TV when Hillary first conceded. So there are indeed stupid ones. The difference is that McCain thinks most women are stupid. And most men too, for that matter. Do you really want to prove him right by voting for someone a 5-year-old can spot as a stunt? Does she really qualify as Vice President because she's likely to shoot someone in the face? Is that all it takes now? (And the Russia thing. I can see a bank from the end of my street, that doesn't make me a financial expert. That alone almost proves McCain's theory about women being stuuuuuupid, eh?) Regardless, there is no argument for voting out of spite that makes those doing so any less than traitors who should be sent directly to Guantanamo on Real Drowning Day.

My indignation would go down much smoother if it weren't for my own party's VP candidate. My theory, and stay with me on this, is time-related. If Joe Biden, or for that matter anyone else who's been in the Senate or House since the Declaration of Independence was signed, hasn't made a difference by now, he isn't going to. It is disgusting that there isn't a small panel overseeing the legislative branch to keep them from voting themselves outlandish raises, missing half their days at "work" (would your boss keep you if you did that?), getting better health care than Christ, or even losing term limits. No one should be that corrupt for that long if we expect to make it to the next century without modifying our flag to suit the people who take us over. Let's face it, though, Congress has already taken America over. Hasn't been ours for decades. Any oil or pharmaceutical lobbyist has more say in this country than the citizens do.

So okay, I'm sure it was fun, and we all had a good laugh. Now can the candidates go back and pick some real running-mates? America is a big enough joke to the rest of the world already, ya know...

Eau de Ewww

Country singer Tim McGraw has a fragrance. Well, I'm sure he's always had one, but now it's been bottled. Finally, something to cover the stench after a day at NASCAR. If a woman wears it, will Faith Hill scratch her eyes out? My guess is it smells like a fading star. (NOTE: Do not confuse this with Dr. Phil McGraw's upcoming perfume that smells like a lot of hot air with cheese and corn mixed in.)

The Palin Problem: Watch What You Wish For

John McCain has created a monster...and he knows it. And it's too late now.

This Sarah Palin thing. I'm sure he thought it was genius, and on some levels it was. Choose a woman to prove that women are so easily swayed and gender-biased that they probably don't really deserve the vote, at least not after this election. Get one that looks like the naughty librarian from all the porno movies - you just know that once the doors are closed the glasses come off, the hair comes down and she's on Daddy's lap for dick-tation. (Cindy may reeeeally have a problem with this down the road. I'm sure she's already hiding the cigars.) And by all means, choose someone next to nothing is known about, so the skeletons don't have time to fall out of the closet before election time.

Well, not too many anyway. It's already known even to the stupidest American (say, Laura "The Joker" Bush) that Sarah Palin is obviously into child abuse. Naming your son Trig or Track is definitely child abuse, after all. Or maybe she is just naming them after her favorite high school subjects. Why isn't her daughter named Home Ec? Notice she has no kids named Sex Ed, because she obviously sucks at that!

But the black lining on the silver rainbow cloud that is Sarah Palin is already becoming apparent, even to Old Grand-dad. If McCain wins the election, he will have to face the fact that the ONLY reason he won is that he put some tits on. He already knows that everyone now hopes he wins...and dies within a week after winning so Sarah can take her rightful spot as President. After all, no one wants to jerk off to a press conference with McCain at the podium. Give us the bitch, and put some whipped cream on her! We're all going to die very soon now that America has no ecosystem, or defense, or sense. Why not go out stroking to a hot bimbo?

And she is a bimbo. If she ever actually has to make a real decision concerning the future of our country, she will be locked in the bathroom rocking back and forth on the toilet looking at a bottle of Lortab before you can say "Come out, the kids were just kidding". She made a great speech at the Convention....which just proves that she can read. That alone puts her ahead of McCain. Maybe she should teach Bristol to read condom wrappers.

Remember that speech? McCain was looking like the nerd that beat the cool guy, practically drooling on her shoulder. His own speech there was laced with creepy Beavis-and-Butthead chortling. Closest he'll come to a hard-on this decade. But now it's sinking in. When Palin is speaking, McCain is beside her- looking into the crowd for guns, staring into space and realizing that if she had run against him in the primary he'd be in a nursing home by now. He knows that no one wants to hear him speak when they could be hearing her. John McCain has made himself obsolete in lightning speed. Sarah Palin is larger than his swollen left cheek, larger than his political profile. Larger than his prostate.

So with two months to go, things are tense. There's always the chance that some actual facts will leak about Palin's record or lack thereof that may not be pretty. Or better yet, the shit will really hit the fan when McCain croaks of natural causes in February or so, and Ms. Porno raises taxes to pay for tampons in private schools. And, thanks to letting the nyah-nyah factor decide his choice for the second most important job in the world, John McCain has doomed himself, and America, to the whims of women, whom he never wanted to have a choice to begin with. Oops.

What's the difference between Sarah Palin and a pit bull? One is a soulless, hostile bitch who can attack for no reason and turn on its master at any minute....and the other one is a dog. Just remember, you begged for it!