Note To Self: Hire New Tapes Manager

Billy Idol's dumber sister

.....Pink, that cotton-candy singer who likes to pretend that she's a rocker when she's really just Katy Perry's beta-test from back in the day, appeared on America's bastion of truth to fake it.

.....Da Pinkster, on "The Daily Show", played her new song, the lofty artistic pinnacle called "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" (insert Butthead laugh here), complete with the word "shit" 8 or so times in a desperate attempt to get her into the news if not back onto the charts, although the charts thing might be hard for a single that can't be played on the radio - can't wait to see how she changes the words for the broadcast version, like a real artist would (yes, I'm being facetious).

.....But, alas, whoever is in charge of Ms. P's backing tapes for her lip-sync performances (I assume they're named Magenta) goofed. The word "shit" was left in the song for the first verse and chorus, but they forgot to put it in the 2nd chorus, leaving the backing singers to very obviously lipsync "sh", which stood out all the more because at the time they were the only ones singing. (Pank herself only missed one word in the lip-sync, which in these days qualifies as admirable from "artists" of her, um, caliber.) So now we know what happened to Ashlee Simpson's old musical director!

.....Just one more reason that faking it sucks. In a recent tweet, Da Pinkster dismissed a bad Rolling Stone review with the words, "Anyone remember when people read Rolling Stone? Me neither." It seems one could say the same thing about her music, but maybe if she throws a few more hee-hee-dirty-words in next time, we'll pay attention to the "fucks" instead of the fuck-ups.

Like A Whitewashed Stone

Bob Dylan: He ain't heavy, he's Caucasian.

.....Sometimes old friends can surprise you with major flaws you'd missed. Today was the day.

.....I've kept my 2008 Rolling Stone issue featuring "The 100 Greatest Singers Of All Time". I knew it had been printed with 4 different covers as a gimmick to make it a collectors' item. You could choose from Aretha Franklin, Elvis Presley, John Lennon, or Bob Dylan.

.....I just noticed yesterday that those are not the top four on their list - Franklin is #1, Presley #3, Lennon #5, and Dylan #7. Of course Dylan would be on the cover, RS's editor-in-chief Jann Wenner puts him on the cover every time he farts (or sings, I can never tell which he's doing nowadays); I'm sure he masturbates to "Like A Rolling Stone". But in order to get his precious Bob there, RS skipped covers for numbers 2, 4, and 6.

    Who are they, you might ask? Ray Charles, Sam Cooke, and Marvin Gaye - all black men.

.....Are you fucking KIDDING me?

Clash Of The 5-Year-Old Titans (V vs. D)

.....No, not that VD. As usual, Viacom is at lockhorn status with a TV service provider, in this case DirecTV. Last month it was Bright House Cable Networks; in the past, they have played cockfight with DISH Network and Comcast. And as usual, each corporation says the other is full of poo-poo and they're taking their marbles and whining their way to their mom's tit if they don't get their way.

.....Also as usual, the only ones really suffering are the customers. Viacom makes 250-bajillion dollars daily off of Trailer Park TV (formerly known as MTV) alone, so they won't be on (corporate) welfare anytime soon. And DirecTV has nothing to fear, because customers with 27-year contracts can't just up and walk away, now can they?

  .....On their respective websites, the "waaah waaah he said" game is in full force, with each saying the other won't negotiate, won't think of the customers, et cetera, blah blah blah. DirecTV actually thinks we should be stunned that Viacom doesn't allow them to keep showing all their networks without paying for them while their representatives smell each other's fingers and compare penis size at the bargaining table. And Viacom says they didn't pull their shows, that DirecTV did. If DirecTV controls your networks, Oh Great V, why are you even there? And Viacom also says they're just asking for what every other provider pays. Yeah, once you threaten them with no shows like you did those other three providers in the first paragraph that you fail to mention?

.....The biggest laugh must go to DirecTV's directv.com/ourpromise section of their website, where they spew their side of the fingerpaint fight with vigor. At one point they say part of the reason that they aren't buying Viacom's argument is that most of Viacom's networks have sinking ratings that customers shouldn't have to pay more for. If they really thought ratings and money were linked, wouldn't they cut off 99 per cent of the religious, shopping, and Billy-Bob-Goes-Hunting shows and cut their customers' bills by 2/3?

     Trust me, I have no faith, trust or respect for either of these guys (I call them guys because corporations are people, ya know!), but I admit DirecTV stinks even more than The Great and Powerful V. Just think - if you pay monthly for a maintenance service from DirecTV and they make a maintenance call, you can't sign off on it without automatically renewing your contract for another 2 years. So the free maintenance call costs you about two thousand dollars in the long run, and if you were planning on changing providers, oh well!

.....So the war rages on, and the shit-filled behemoths harrumph and puff their chests out and paint their Hummers brighter than each other's every other day (because more visible Hummers lead people to believe you actually have a prick bigger than 2 inches). Trust me, it's all for show, like Republicans claiming they give a fuck about the poor, or the troops, or America. In the meantime, don't expect a bill reduction - DirecTV is "compensating" by making the Encore networks, full of movies you saw years ago on HBO, free through the end of the month. Thanks, Daddy!

    Here's hoping they kill each other, for the good of humanity. That way The Daily Show, Tosh.0, South Park and Workaholics can move to FX or Sundance Channel where they can curse more.

Karma, Part 2

Conservative blogger (read: radical overcompensating blowhard) Andrew Breitbart died today. Maybe the Lord really does work in mysterious ways. The video editing room may never be the same. Seeya!

That Hot White Stuff Isn't Brimstone?

....

Yep, Joe Paterno, or "JoPa", is dead. See? Karma works. Here's hoping there's anal rape where he's going.

Frozen Pterodactyl Speaks!

....Is it going to chafe Callista "Stepford-Hatchet" Gingrich if she's called "First Slut" for four years? Nope. "Oh, please," she responds, "I've had sex with Newt Gingrich. Compared to that, anything is a God-damned rainbow, motherfuckers!"
....True dat. Even if it bothers her, we may never know - with more Botox in her than the entire cast of "Desperate Housewives", this is after all the face that doesn't contort into a death mask every time she realizes who she's married to.

Get Thee Behind Me, Bitches

....See, haters? Oprah doesn't mind being with the peasants...as long as they're on the other side of the cement pond. Because she's Jesus, people! (After all, who but our Blessed Lord and Saviour could get Gayle King a job with anyone's network but her own?)